So one of the side effects of the death of Jamie's Grandma is that, despite the fact that I am suppose to be on spring break, I have yet to take the OB/GYN final. I take it tommorow morning. So I have started my week of vacation, studying. That sucks. On a Gyn note, why do men have to be so attracted to woman? In a perfect world, we would find one woman and never look at another. Why must i always look. I am pretty well satisfied in my relatiionship, but my eye is looking. I hate it. Why do we have to feel this way? Am I simply a walking sex organ? I know that i am not but.......Oh well, that is where self restraint comes in. Glade I have worked on this.
Well, it has been a whirlwind of a week. We went up to pitt to see Jamie's Grandma who has been sick for a long time. She went to the hospital, back to her home and back agin. By the time we got there she was in th MICU and doing ok. Jamie, her sister and her fam where visiting, and her Grandma even woke up enough to talk a bit. We went back to where we where staying came back the next day, and her grandma was stable. Jamie did not want to leave but I made her. Guess what We go to get our stuff to drive down to philly, and get a call. Grandma is on two pressors and looks like she is going to tank. Drive back. family meeting. Choice is made. we stop presser support and with the family around, grandma dies.
So I then stay the next week with jamie as the funeral arrangments are made, two veiwings happen and a funeral. Everyone blames themselves even though the did really what they could. Grandma was kind of mean and sort of pushed her family away but not really helping herself, and bitch when people did things for her. Everyone loved her, but sort of did not pay as much attention to her at the end and thus feel guilty. To me, grandma had been dead for a while. She did not want to die, and was not really dead, but she really did not have a life. I felt sorry for her. Jamie thinks I hated her because she was so dang selfish and really did not have a kind word to say about anyone but in a self referantial way (saying things like "my girls are so pretty, the look just like me"). Having such a long drawn out goodbye made it hard on everyone and you know what, I don't think anyone has yet to really address how they feel about this despite four days of saying goodbye. No one really talks about it at all. Oh well. Growing old sucks. By the way, got honors in med one and two.
So Cancer, again. Guess i am just thinking about it a lot because i am on Gyn Onc. For those of you who do not know, Onc stands for oncology, which are the docs who work with cancer. Even the word cancer if foul. it comes from the Greek word for "crab". We had this lady who thought she beat her cancer. turns out today that she did not. She will be dead in a few days, few months, a few years. That sucks. I guess we could all be dead in that time frame (thinking of fight club and the existential referance) but some how cancer is so much more horrible. I have more to say, but I am hungry, and food is more important then thought.
So I re-wrote my case study. I think for the better. I also looked into doing an elective at Mass Gen. Me at Harvard, the thought makes me laugh. dare I presume to train at one of the best healthcare systems in the nation? I have an appointment with a Doc who should be able to give me a good feel on how good of a canidate I am. i will meet with him on friday. What have i done today? Next to nothing.
Morning ...again. I am sick today. i called out. i am currently rotating with the chairman of OB/GYN, how could me not showing up possible hurt me?(dripping with you know what). This dawn is not so pretty. Though I have to say, watching the flakes of snow gently fall is amazing. It is like a movie moment, do you know what I am talking about. There are the moments in life that are so real, they are sureal. They feel like they should have a sound track and actors. I guess I have to say my life has a sound track and actors even without being a movie.
I guess now that my friends are actually looking at this I have to put stuff up.
I am sick as a dog today. jamie is on the way back from pit. Her Grandma's stool cultures came back + for mult virulent bugs. One of which can cause HUS. Could that be why her urine is bloody and her kidneys don't work.....
Hmmm....
I am thinking about taking the day off. It is either that or spend all day in the OR chopping out gyn tumors.
you know Cancer is really scary when you get down to it. It is growing in you right now...
Did my first pap today to. What a red letter day.......
Yesterday was frustrating. First my house is way to hot. Jamie sister is here and she has turned up the heat. it is so dang hot I cannont sleep well. Second, I had a sore throat all day. I get pissed off when i get sick, I feel like my body fails me. Third, shira was feeling ill, and I had to talk to her and comfort her. I had so many things to do, and it is drianing to have to give to her becuase she needs a lot. It turns out she has psudotumor, so it is a good things she went to the ER. I hate having to be around people as they work out there "issues", but I also like it, because I feel like I can help them.
Then last night, jamies Grandma, who had been sick, tanked. I have mixed feelings about this. She is old, has no quality of life and does not really want to live. She is bitter and angry and everyone around her would probably be better off if she was not living. But on the other hand, she is a human being, she is a reletive and Jmaie does really lover despite the fact that she is an angry old woman. Jamie was cying last night at 1:30 in the morning and I just wanted to go to bed. i had been trying to get to bed since 10:30, I was exhusted, and sick. I tired to comfot her but did a crappy job, too many of my own issues getting in the way.
The one things I hate about intamite relationships is the fact that they don't let you just shudown. Sometimes, i just don't want to talk, don't want to explain and just want to be left be. It ends up not being an option without getting in a fight. Then you can shut down.
On a good note, I think i finished my first case report.
I have ever said how much i hate the crap you have to do to get ahead in this world. There is so much bullshit was of my time in order to be succsesful. I am thankful though, because I get lucky. I got another case study to do. It is not in a field I am interested in, but it will pad my resume. I am going to spend today working on my first case study. i am not cut out for crap like this. I just want to do well, without work. Don't we all. Should i go get my JD and be a JD/MD? let me know what you think.
Jamies car is dead. The transmission on her car died, so I have to drive her everywhere, because my car is a stick and guess who does not know how to drive stick.......(smile)
So she had a dress fitting appointment. What can I say about this place. when you walk in dozens of crappy old lady dresses for the mom of the bride, at prices $1,000 and up. What a rip this wedding is. You spend thousands of $$ for one day, on crap you will never use again. I would rather have a back yard BBQ and use the $$ for a house or car. Her sister showed up and (thank god) saved me. I could go home and she could drive her back. On another related note, what is this crap about not being able to see the dress before hand. The sales lady said it to me and jamie several times. Hell, if I am paying $2,000 for a dress i am going to see it any damn time i want.
So I was asked to do something strange today. I was asked to go to toronto to talk to a group of family practice docs about why I have never considered going into family practice. Dr. Lyons, one of my mentors, and a family practice doc, is setting up a meeting and wants students to talk about why they don't want to go into family practice, to give educators a better idea of why smart people are often reluctent to go into that field. It is funny, for now i am really going to have to think about why family is not for me, at a point when i am starting to consider other kinds of being a doc. It made me happy and I will have something to put on my resume as a guest speaker. Strange how the world works.......
In reply to kim. why not go into family practice? Well several reasons.
No Money, No Prestige, No Respect, And you see the same dang 20 things, though that is true of any field. At least in the other fields you have the other things. As a med student you end up with the impression that family docs do a lot of triage work....Boring.
So I have made my choice in my electives. I am doing heavy ER and med stuff, and not much surgery. I really like being in the OR though. There is great power in reaching into someone and cutting out what is wrong with them. It is direct, a very POWERFULL. I think that is why I like it. It has all the trappings og power. The pt. is asleep and helpless and totally dependant on you and the surgical team. In the end they will be fixed. Mabye the who God complex thing about surgery is right. Mabye that is the reason i like to cut.