I wish every weekend was a three day weekend. I am just having a relaxing day. It is cool and looks as if it might rain. I am reading the second novel of Neal stephensen in the baroque cycle. I am enjoying it. I feel i should be doing something constructive, something responsable, but I do not care. I am ready to be done with school. I am ready to start earning money. I am suppose to study next month for the boards, but i think I will take a month of vacation.
I really cannot dance. I just wanted to note I am also in love with music again. Can I say I love my ipod and downloading "legal" music. I have music I never thought i would find. And music i never knew i would like.
I have just been thinking a lot about what we do to make ourselves look better and why we do it. Fo instance Tanning. We irradiate ourselves with cancer causing radiation so that we can look a little "brown" I feel like my running falls into that catigory. I have been running pretty regularly now, not because I like (in fact I hate it) but because it is the first thing I have done that takes pounds off the middle. So i dutfully run 30 min almost every day at a seven min mile pace so I can look better then I did the day before. why the fuck do I care? I am vain. I, like all people, want other people to look at me and think, "wow that person is hot!" Or some version there of. We are all guilty of it. It is bull to think all the people i see in the gym are there for health reasons. we are also scared of getting old. To be quit frank, old people are ugly. Americas always think there is a way to be forever young, and value the young look above all else.
So i have been working on a research project for 3 fucking years. I am sick of not getting anything out of the work I put in. I have had a lot of help (thanks seth) but this crap is still not finished. I hate this bullshit....
I left work early today. I did not feel all that well. It was ok on there part, and I quite frankly did not give a dang. I found I got honors in OB/Gyn and you know what, It makes no differance how much effort I put out. If I am just a little charming and know a little, I get honors in clinicals. It is good for redidency, but bad for my training. I am just not putting out what I did at one point in my life. I am working at a 1/4th the effort I could be, and people think I am doing great. I know though. I know how little I am doing, or want to do. Sad.
I have to say, the biggest failing in my medical education, besides making the grade the most important thing (not knowledge) is the shoddy physical exam skills that they have taught us. If I had to depend on my physical skills, we all would be doomed. I am going to spend fourth year working on that though.
Sitting in bed, with jamie alseep, after a nice dinner and a few drinks, I begin reading my Dante translated by robert pinksy. As I read, what falls out but a reciept from the book itself. I gaze sadly at the date. 1998. Six years ago. where does our life go, in such a quick fashion? I blink, and I am older, almost done with med school, about to be married. I think, what have I really done with my life? I have created no great works, saved no lives, moved not the world. I am no prince hamlet, nor was I meant to be.
I love dante! Just had to let that out. I have found the joy of reading again. I find hours i should be spending doing other things swollowed by a good book. What a great feeling. SJC and Med school have for several years now combined to drain the joy of reading from me. But with the sweet air of summer, that joy in part has returned. Once again I can enjoy going to hell with Dante, Fighting windmills with cervantes, and being pious with the karmosoves. Awake the trumpets lofty sound!
Yesterday was dante's birthday. I have been reading "the dante club". It is a pretty good book. It got me to drag out a copy of the pinsky translation and read a little. Abandon all hope ye who enter here!
What kind of name is hoobastank? Who would ever name a band that? Does it mean something i don't know? By the way, i am now sick, which means this probably is not cancer. Jamie asked if I wanted to start taking antibiotics, and I asked myself the question, "would I give a pt abx?" The answer was no, so I did not take them. As a doc I am unwill to tell my pt. anything I would not do myself in there place.
Jamie, in her vain self love sort of way, just wanted me to let you all know that i put that choice up there just for her. Like everything we ever talk about, we each have a VERY strong opinion. Of course being a man, i am never right........
(I love you James.)
Found to huge swollen lymph nodes in my per-aurical area and cervical spine.
The whole chain down my SCM is swollen as well. I did not feel sick. Hmm, lot of swollen lymph nodes in a young man not sick... Hodgkins lymphoma anyone? Lets see, If I where writting me as a test question, how would it read?
A 27yo white male presents to his PCP's office with a two day history of "bumps" the he noticed near his ear. Pt denies n/v, f/c, sore throat. change in BM, ear pain, cough, fatigue, headache. Pt has clear rhinoreha that he attributes to "allergies" . Appitite is normal. No recent wieght change.
Pt's temp is 98.7 P74 RR20 Bp 119/76
Pt has swollen peri-cevical and peri-auricula lymph nodes on the right side. Nodes are large, non-fixed, non matted.
This pt. has:
1.Hodgkins Lymphoma
2. Reactive lymphadinitis
3.Non-hodgkins Lymphoma
4.Allergies
5.Retro-phyrengial abcess
6.Group A bete heme strep phyarigitis
On this, what would I pick?
I have been watching a lot of those videos on the moveon.org site. Our president makes me so sick I actually feel physically ill. I just have trouble imaging how dumb we must be in america to elect a jackass like him. He repersents all I hate about right wing politics, and he is not even honest about it. I, for the first time in my life will be giving my time to the dems. I have voted for them, now I will vote for them with both my time and my vote. Please join me.
I love cox-2 inhibitors! how did we ever get by without them.
I feel it is my duty to post this site. Enjoy.
http://www.bushin30seconds.org/150/
I don't have to be in till 1:30! This is a rare thing in med school. Usally you are just happy if you do not have to be there by 5:30....AM. The family doc i am with is nice, and now that he relizes I am not a moron, lets me see patients by myself. So much free time, I almost don't know what to do with myself. It is strange that now that I have so little free time, I use the time I have poorly. Yesterday I got out early and spent most of my time in front of the computer...
I should be doing something I want to, but then I have nothing i want to do, and then I am bothered by the fact that I don't want to do anything, which leads me to waste more time etc... By the way, anyone know ryan's other e-mail address?
I was just in canada. I was flow out there, a paid, to talk to a group of very powerful family docs, about why i would never be a family doc. I let them have it, both barrles. I was thanked repeatedly for having the guts to stand up there, as a med student, and call it like I saw it. I enjoyed toronto, it is a nice city.
I don't know if i ever have told you, this site is seth millikan's. He set it up for me. For referances his blog is at http://www.araxia.net/mt/index.html. He does not update it very often, so don't expect much..... It is funny, training to be a doc seems less invlolved and to leave more time for your friends then does computer work....... (how is that for a kick in the ass seth.) Funny thing about my male friends, they dont like to write....(is it just me or is it men?)
So here is the question of the day, can woman and men just be friends? Should we be allowed to have sex with friends? What crosses the line and what does not? I would like some feedback, let me have it.....
Today I was told I was the best medical student that had ever come through crozzer. Not bad for a slacker.....
Sometimes it is all just a matter of miss-communication. People always assume to know what is best for others, and think that they will be viewed from the perspective that they are just trying to help out. Most of the time I wish people would mind there own biz. This reflects on all sorts of things. From people telling rumors about others(because it brings them pleasure and they know how to do things better.), to people thinking they "need" to do something for someone else. As a whole, I think that if you let people make there own mistakes, not matter how hard that is, mind your own biz, and treat everyone kindly, life works out. Remember, "the most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and watch someone else do it wrong without comment." Think about that.
There are lots of healthe problems in this world that docs just have no idea about. One of them is cat scratch dx. Very interesting. look it up. They tried to convince me to be a peds/med doc......mabye....
I was reminded this morning of a phenomana that use to occur when I was in college. I was up at 6:30 walking my dogs, and low and behold, I see this young lady, in last nights clothes, holding her stuff, looking disheveled, walking to her bus stop. The "walk of shame". I remember ever so clearly waking up in the morning in college, and walking across the quad from kelly's room to mine in the same fashion to make classes. I would be disheveled in last nights close. It always felt in the few times I ran into someone on those mornings, that there was a knowing smile or an accusitory eye. Strange how the phenomana is more universal then I ever thought. Must have know. We all fuck, and we all have to go home sometime.
I should have know that inviting jeff into my blog would be very amusing.....
Almost done with peds. I just want to relax, play a little ball drink a little wine eat a little food.
The save the dates went out today. Guess i am getting married.......