Four day s to the wedding. i stilll have a ton to do. Finish our vows, get the place cleaner, figure out where to have my poker party, pick people up at the airport....
I am excited. Ryan, Kim, Mom, dad, Jody all come in today. I think we will go to the crape place for dinner.
Keep your fingures crossed. hope all goes well.
We are now home. Final preperation for the wedding. If any of you out there are flying in and have not done so already, send me your flight info
Blue Passed away on September 24th, 8:30 PM 2004, with me next to her, at home.
She will be missed.
I think about death a lot. Even when someone is not dying. I guess we are all dying it that angst filled way. (How’s that for philosophy)
Does anyone ever really want to die?
Can we really comprehend the end of "I"?
I have trouble with that. I can't imagine the world without me. Is that normal? Is that narcissistic?
I don't want to die. Do you? I can't imagine anything in my life that would make me ready to die. Can you?
I bought a case of champagne today.
I think I will go have some.
Today was an awful day. I tried to take blue outside and she just whined fell over looked like she seized and peed on herself. I thought she was going to die. I have been looking up numbers of vets who will come to the house. She does so well just lying there. She even grunts with happiness as I pet her. She just does not eat and cannot move. What kind of life is that?
I am really struggling with this.
You can tell she has been around a long time. All my friends from HS remember her.
She is old I understand that.
I just feel that if I put her to sleep I will be killing her.
I feel if I don't she will just suffer.
I don't like either outcome.
I feel guilty saying this, but I wish she would die in her sleep. Peaceful.
Death is not like that though.
Death is almost never pretty.
It has never made sense to me when we talk about death with dignity.
That does not exist.
Most people I see die die in a flash in some semi-violent way, or die slowly on a vent or other life preserving device.
We don't just pass in our sleep, and most people die in a way that I think could be called "poorly".
We expect death to be neat.
It is not.
Blue can no longer get up. She can if I help her. If I take her out, she struggles for breath and falls down. She cannot even make it further then the door.
I am torn.
She is my best friend. 15 years a companion. I have changed my life in so many ways to accommodate her. I have not go places and done things because of her.
How do you put down your best friend?
I watch her suffer, I know the right thing to do is to probably put her to sleep soon.
How can I?
I wish I could do it. And do it at home, so she would not have to go through the trauma of being taken to the vet. Instead she could die on her own blanket.
But I know that is not possible.
I am torn.
This hurts so much I cannot cry, and that makes it hurt more.
This is a topic I like. As I bounce between conversations in other people blogs, I must remind myself to write on length about this topic. It is one the rears its ugly head again and again.
What does it mean to truly love another. The same old questions roll through my head. "Where we ment to love just one person?" "What is love?" "Why is love work when we are taught it should not be?" and many more. some of these questions have some form of answer in my mind. Others just a blank space.
I am getting a bit worred about getting my stuff in for residency. residency is done through ERAS, which is an electronic application which goes to all the schools. It is takeing Jamie and I a long time to get it done. i wanted to have it in by now. It really looks like I am going to do med peds. i love kids, but I don't know if I love peds. It gives me a lot of options though. I can do almost anything with it. I can practice "Family medicine" But no Gyn, or I can specialize in Peds or med. Lots of doors. Keeps your finger crossed for me.
God I am posting a lot today.
I know why I post.
I miss the sense of community, sharing.
I miss my friends and family distant as they are.
It is the only way I can really talk to some people who i would love to have as a larger part of my life.
It is, like another bloger said, a way to heard, since so often in this life we are not.
I do wish the people who mean the most to me where closer.
My heart aches.
I do wish I could have frozen time.
I think i would give up all I have done to feel the way I use to.
Is that bad?
I guess life being as it is is part of getting older.
Mabye I will start that antidepressent.....
Oh BTW, If any of you feel like writing to me tonight, that would be great. in between the moments of sheer terror as traumas come in and the utter monatony of dealing with drunks, I could use a lifeline. I do miss my friends and I am really look foward to seeing you all come october
Mood: Blah
Music:Gavin DeGraw
(just had to make fun of you other blogers)
I work the wrong 11 to 7 tonight. i hate having to work this shift, especially in the ER. the wackos comeout of the wood work and you spend the night trying to sort out the really sick ones that if you do not pay enough attention too will die on you, and the homeless people looking for a place to sleep. The biggest problem, is that they look pretty much the same on the outside. You have to use your instincts, and I don't know about you, but at 3 in the morning my instincts are not all that good. I also hate the fact that if this was any other day I would have no problem taking a nap. But since I have to work, no chance I will sleep.
On another note, I must ask the question, why are you sharing now? Is it because of me? I must say I was somewhat disapointed that there was not more about me to be found in your writting. Did you start after we saw each other? that same night?
What is it in us that has a need to be expose ourselves to the world. Why do we write on the internet so ANYONE can read it? Why am I doing it? Jamie and I talked to the DJ today. Interesting. I am rabaling. I have had a little to much to drink. Oh well. Goodnight.
I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about why I want to practice medicine. Over the past four years I have seen many fine doctors switch specialties or change their practices due the many challenges facing physicians: malpractice, patient compliance, HMO’s, salary, work hours and decreased autonomy. I have seen some of the brightest people I know just plain quit. I have seen people cringing when I told them I am becoming a doctor, and cannot count the number of times I have heard residents, fellows and attendings say, “if I had to do it all over again with what I know now, I would not.” With so many people around me speaking like this, I found myself beginning to believe that maybe I had made the wrong career choice, too. This led me to do some digging in my soul. I was forced to ask the question “why medicine?” For, if I could not answer this question, I too should get out of this field.
It was about two years ago when I first asked myself these questions, and the answers have come from many places. First, I revisited my medical school admissions essay. In it I discussed my mother who is chronically ill. I was able to see through her experiences, first hand how much difference a physician could make in her life. From there I looked to my patients. I see how much difference a few minutes of my time can make in their lives. It is not necessarily the prescription I write (although that may help). It is the healing that comes from talking to the patient or patient’s parent, helping them understand and letting them know I am there and will help them make informed choice about their most important asset, their bodies: With the out-patient, (“he is non-compliant and never listens.”) to whom I explain what is wrong and what needs to be done who then says “thanks, no one really has ever told me why I need to take these;” With the patient who never follows up but now actually keeps her appointments; with the inpatient you never thought you would get to discharge who finally goes home. I am, for my patients, a teacher, a mender, and a friend all in one. That is what I find rewarding; that is where I find joy; that brings a smile to my face; that is “why medicine”. I firmly believe it is still a privilege to be a doctor. The only question that remained was how best to accomplish these goals as a Doctor?
I feel strongly that Internal Medicine/ Pediatrics is the most effective path for equipping me to fill those roles in my patient’s life. I feel that the combination of the rigorous academic nature of internal medicine and pediatrics coupled with the wide variety of in-patient and out-patient experiences that is provided will well equip me to practice medicine not only in a way that I would enjoy, but in a way that, in the words of William Osler, would allow me to “add what we can to life, not get what we can from it”. It also opens the door to a wide variety of specialties if I choose to practice them. I hope with this training, to eventually work at a major academic institution so that I can not only teach my patients, but students as well. I am also seriously considering the possibility of pursuing a career in the care of adult survivors of congenital heart disease, and the unique problems they may encounter. It is a position for which combined internal medicine and pediatrics with a fellowship in cardiology is uniquely suited.
It makes me happy when someone has a memory about me that they associate and remember fondly.
Thanks, you know who you are.
I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about why I want to practice medicine. Over the past four years I have seen many fine doctors switch specialties or change their practices due the many challenges facing physicians: malpractice, pt. compliance, HMO’s, salary, work hours and decreased autonomy. I have seen some of the brightest people I know just plan quit. I have seen people cringing when I told them I am becoming a doctor, and cannot count the number of times I have heard residents, fellows and attendings say, “if I had to do it all over again with what I know now, I would not .” With some many people around me speaking like this, I had found myself beginning to believe that maybe I had made the wrong career choice. This has led me to do some digging in my soul. I did, in fact, find out that sadly that some of what people where saying is true. So I was forced to ask “why medicine?” For I could not answer this question, I, too, should get out of this field .
It was about two years ago when I first asked myself these questions, and the answers have come from many places. First, I revisited my medical school admissions essay. In it I discussed my mother who is chronically ill. I was able to see through her experiences, first hand how much difference a physician could make in her life. From there I looked to my patients. I see how much difference a few minutes of my time can make in their lives. It is not necessarily the prescription I write (although that may help). It is the healing that comes from talking to the patient or patients parent, helping them understand and letting them know I am there and will help them make informed choice about their most important asset, their bodies: With the out-patient, (“he is non-compliant and never listens.”) to whom I explaining what is wrong and what needs to be done who then says “thanks, no one really has ever told me why I need to take these;” With the patient who never follows up but now actually keeps her appointments; with the inpatient you never thought you would get to discharge who finally goes home. I am, for my patients, a teacher, a mender, and a friend all in one. That is what I find rewarding; that is where I find joy; that brings a smile to my face; that is “why medicine”. I firmly believe it is still a privilege to be a doctor. The only question that remained was how best to accomplish these goals as a Doctor?
I feel strongly that Internal Medicine/ Pediatrics is the most effective path for equipping me to fill those roles in my patient’s life. I feel that the combination of the rigorous academic nature of internal medicine and pediatrics coupled with the wide variety of in-patient and out-patient experiences that is provided will well equip me to practice medicine not only in a way that I would enjoy, but in a way that, in the words of William Osler, would allow me to “add what we can to life, not get what we can from it”. It also opens the door to a wide variety of specialties if I choose to practice them. I hope with this training, to eventually work at a major academic institution so that I can not only teach my patients, but students as well. I am also seriously considering the possibility of pursuing a career in the care of adult survivors of congenital heart disease, and the unique problems they may encounter. It is a position that combined internal medicine and pediatrics with a fellowship in cardiology, is uniquely suited for.
I have cut all caffeinated beverages out of my life. I can no longer stay awake, but at least I do not have anxiety. I almost started an anoxiolitic. I can't believe I even though of it. I used to be so strong what the hell happened. Is this just part of growing up?
I read the essay, "It is still a privilege to be a Doctor" I think that was good for my soul.
I also finished pretty much my essay for residency. When I have the final draft I will post it.
S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.
Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.
And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?
And I have known the eyes already, known them all—
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?
And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?
. . . . .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
. . . . .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”
And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.”
. . . . .
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.
I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
So I am courious what you guys think.
In a commited relationship is it ok, when:
Somone you went on one date with a long time ago and does not know you are engaged, comes up and talks to you at work where you and them are both working, and is clearly interested in you. Is it bad if you:
1. Give them your cell number?
2. Give then your home number?
3. Give them your pager number?
4.Give them your e-mail?
5. Have lunch with them?
6. Don't tell them you are engaged the second they let you know they are interested?
How soon do you have to tell them you are getting married? How long is to long? When should a partner be suspicious?
Are any of these appropriate?
Is it cheating?
From Kim......
From MSNBC...
LOS ANGELES - Even before "Alien vs. Predator," the resurrection of two tired movie franchises, captured the top spot at the weekend box office, New Line Cinema began plotting a new face-off for its horror favorites, Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees, who had their own moment atop the boxoffice last August with "Freddy vs. Jason."
Sources said the studio is in negotiations with director-producer Sam Raimi (the "Spider-Man" movies) for a project titled "Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash."
In the proposed sequel, Freddy (from the "A Nightmare on Elm Street" films) and Jason (from the "Friday the 13th" pics) would go up against Ash, the cynical anti-hero survivor of Raimi's "Evil Dead" trilogy, which also includes "Army of Darkness." Bruce Campbell played the character in the trilogy and would play him again if the deal were to close.
POPLAR BLUFF, Mo. (Reuters) - President Bush offered an unexpected reason on Monday for cracking down on frivolous medical lawsuits: "Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."
The Republican president, long known for verbal and grammatical lapses, included the anecdote about obstetrician gynecologists in his stump speech attacking Democratic presidential rival Sen. John Kerry and his running mate, Sen. John Edwards, a former trial lawyer.
At a rally of cheering supporters in Poplar Bluff, Missouri, Bush made his usual pitch for limiting "frivolous lawsuits" that he said drive up the cost of health care and run doctors out of business.
But then he added, "We've got an issue in America. Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."
Unfazed, Bush went on to deride his rivals as "pro-trial lawyer," and concluded, "I think you've got to make a choice. My opponent made his choice, and he put him on the ticket. I made my choice. I'm for medical liability reform now."
http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=topNews&storyID=6168625
I am truly speechless..........
So oscar, our cat got out last night. A friend of mine Fil came over and left the front door open. oscar took full advantage and vanished inot the sweet night. We spent several hours looking for hime, to no succsess. I slept downstairs just in case he chose to come back and whine at the door. I got up about once an hour waiting for him.
This morning about seven he strolls up to the back door, I see him and let him in. He is happy as can be.
Stupid cat......
I never will forget those nights..........
After the boys of summer are gone.......
life rolls on. Older, mabye a bit wiser.
tired.
Sometimes joyful.
Music still moves me though. Strange how to look back at all the associations.
The connections that weave themselves in my brain.
Somtimes it is hard to say what you mean.
I am proud to see Kerry showing some back bone last night as he responded to attacks by the cronies of Bush.
Time to fight back.
The republicans all attack Kerry personally because they have no real record to stand on.......
I have to say RE:kimmies comments, that the majore differance between the parties is that at least the dems have SOME social responsability. They are not tipaclly right wing christain buissness men who relly care for nothing but being jackasses and making money. How can you respect a party that would say the ultimate in home land security is protecting hetorosexual marrige? How can you resepct a party that has said we one both wars we are in, but stll manage to get 1000 americas killed since the "end of hositilities and victory"? how can you support a party that has made conditions in afganistan so bad that the international election monitering board refuse to monitor there upcoming election because it is too unsafe, despite the fact that they go into some of the worst places in the world? How can you respect a man, who has managed to make us look like total fools and lost all respect we might have had in the world, and in fact has made us less safe?
Well?