I finally have some time.
After two months of intese work, people dying, me trying to take care of sick people. I have rest. I spent this weekend doing next to nothing.
It is the calm before the storm. I can feel the looming presence of the rest of the year waiting.
I must steele myself for the nights ahead. 3 more weeks of easy stuff though.
I find myself defulting to watching TV to lazy yo do the things i used to love. What happened to the cook the poet?
Where are all the books I used to read?
Now the dumb noise of the tv the computer and me.
Spent two hours talking to Dying pt's and pt's dying families.
One is Dying because of choices I made.
One is Dying because of choices I did not make.
One I have spent 4 weeks, trying everything I could think of in order to find out what was wrong with him and fix him. And I failed. He is now in the unit Dying. His family full of questions none of which I can answer.
I want to scream "I failed you I am sorry!" I do not. I try to find kind ways to tell them, "Your father/husband/son is going to die." I try to answer there questions. I try to comfort them.
The other is dying because I failed her. I failed to advocate aggresivily enough for what I thought was right. And now because I failed she is dying. She lies in her bed, with a machine breathing for her, becasue of my actions. The family tells me "welove you, she loved you." and I just want to say "Cant you see I am the one who killed her. I fucked up. It is my fault your mother is dying! It is my fault that in the best case I can think of she will never walk again, never dance, never be able to eat without help ever again." But I don't. I try to comfort them, I smile and try to help them cope with there guilt, that "They did not do enough" for her. I try not to burden them with my own grief. I remind them to take a deep breath and stay strong. I tell them I am with them, and that I am still their doctor, even though I am no longer taking care of theit familiy, I am still their doctor.
This is really hard for me.
This is not the way I expected it to be.
I must remind myself, from time to time, to take a deep breath and stay strong.
Don't you agree?
My golden weekends. Set up the speakers on my computer. Family here and gone. My and my music, at the keyboard. Tense but relaxed. How can we be two oppisites at the same time? Deep breath. Very aware of my body. The shapes and buldges that where not there in the past. Time is so, so, so......You know.
Being a bit cryptic, but sometimes you have no choice.
The essence is often flleting, inspiration temporary.
The writing is some how, theraputic. Even if the meaning is clear to none, even me.
Funny how Gavin Degraw is now well know. I now hear him on the radio.
Strange to be ahead of the curve.
Thoughts of the people I have and am taking care of.
Death and dying, friality constant issues in the hospital
Sad.
Not at peace with this.
What will kill me?
The food I eat? The water I drink? A car? Or shall I like so many be betryed by my own body?
Death is never pretty, romatic or graceful.
Death is not dignified.
I am worn out. Tried to sleep and could not. Did a shoddy job at work today. Could not stay focused. Sure I missed some important stuff. Find myself hoping I did not really fuck anything up when I leave for the night.
Got screwed on my preceptor for out pt medicine. tried to change it and got screwed again. Wish I could just have someone I clicked with.
Need to use my body, no activity other then work.
Need to sleep
Sandy over and out.